2013.januar negyedike.
Mindig ketezertizennegyet akarok irni, lehet tudat alatt az valamilyen csoda ev lesz, valaminek a kezdete vagy merfoldkove. Sosem lehet tudni. Amikor a gep leszallt Milanoban es elkezdtuk bejarni a varost, a kis utcakat mert azokat imadom, ugy ereztem magam mint aki hazatert. Es itt SanRemoban is ugy erzem, mintha itthon lennek, pedig eloszor vagyok mindket helyen es megis. Otthon erzem magam. A kozepen allsz, mindennel szemben es nem azon agyalsz hogy mifele problemak vannak meg kerdojelek, nem agyalsz semmin csak mesz elore. A kabbalistak azt mondjak, hogy ket enje van minden embernek: az egyik a Tokeletes, aki mindenben a jot latja es a jora torekszik es egy kicsi negativ sem talalhato benne soha. Mint a Feher Hattyu. A masik pedig a Tokeletlenseg, akie a negativ impulzus, a kaosz. Mint a Fekete Hattyu. A vilag is a jo es rossz kozott egyensulyozik, es rajtunk fugg, rajtunk all, hogy melyik fele boritjuk a merleget. Egyensuly.
Szeretem megkerdezni az emberektol, hogy o fekete vagy feher hattyu-e; sok mindent megtudhatsz igy roluk. Regen amikor visszakaptam a kerdest, gondolkodas nelkul ravagtam, hogy fekete hattyu vagyok. Eltelt par ev. Most a napokban megneztem a filmet, es teljesen mast lattam mint akkor, teljesen mashogy neztem es mar nem tudnam kijelenteni teljes bizonyosaggal hogy csak egy vagyok es viszlat. Mind a ketto bennem van, karoltve es egymasra nevetve.
Nem vagyok tokeletes en sem, de probalkozom. Nekem is vannak kevesbe jo pillanataim, kavargos kerdojelek, de akkor felallok es elkezdek mosolyogni: mert amit elkezdesz, elobb-utobb folyamatosan fog jonni magadbol. Mar nem a menekules hajt elore, mar nem abban elek, es ezt kene mindenkinek beismernie: az nem megoldas, ha menekulore fogod. Tudom, hogy nem. Egyszer kell szembenezni vele eroszakkal es utana mar magatol nezzel vele szembe amikor szukseges. Tudnia kell, hogy ki az ur a testedben es a lelkedben: TE magad vagy!
Probalkozol es hiszel. Az, hogy ignoralsz es haragszol a masikra nem igaz, mert igazabol magadra haragszol es magadat szeretned ignoralni: addig ez is lesz ameddig nem fogadod el sajat magadat. Minden bevallas kerdese. Olyan vilagban elunk manapsag, ahol nem eleg igerni es mondani valamit, a tettek azok amik szamitanak.
Ott ultem tegnap este a mozisszinhazban es ereztem hogy nekem mindig is ez volt a vilagom. Hiaba tagadjak neha az emberek, de mindenkinek kell az a fajta elegancia amikor nem csak kivulre mutatod hanem a belsodben is megvan. Es ezt szeretnem leirni is.
Igen, van olyan hogy egoizmus. Van olyan is hogy rossz. Olyan is hogy jo. De kulon mit sem ernek; egybe kell forrasztani oket.
Ha eppen boldog vagy, attol meg torodnod kell mindennel magadban, mert utol fog erni. Nem hanyagolhatsz el valamit, mert eppen nincs kedved hozza. Magaddal magad ellen, eloszor mindig, aztan baratsag alakul. Onmagad vagy egyszerre magadnak a legjobb barat es a legfobb kritikus is. Be kell latni igy vagy ugy.
Nyiltsag, es zart.
Egybeforrasztjuk egyutt?
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